awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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