Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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