my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
