Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize