I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
