I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
