I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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