so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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