i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
