Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
