My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
