There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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