So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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