I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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