At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
