so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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