oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
