my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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