So drunk its hurt
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
