By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Dear god my vagina.
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