I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
