Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
