Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
