Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
