please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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