He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
