I wanna bring you to show and tell
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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