i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
