She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Randomize
