Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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