just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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