i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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