I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize