I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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