i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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