well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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