Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I stole a fireplace last night.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
