How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
