I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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