There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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