My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
