When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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