holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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