I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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