I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
