Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
