im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I have demons in me.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
