This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
