Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
It's Friday. Sex?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
