so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
