Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
