The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
