When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
