i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
