I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
