I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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