How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
