i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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