Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
This is classic penis vs brain.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
