I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
