So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
