I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
