on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
