Don't make out with my wife yet
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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