My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
