if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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