Even water is tasting like jack daniels
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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