I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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