God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
