This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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